Dear X:
Sometimes, I think it’s important to recognize we are human beings who have souls. We are only ourselves, not someone else.
Erving Goffman said that we do not decide our social interactions with others. The institution called society does. For every one of us, the process of growing up is also the process of learning social norms and expectations and gradually knowing how to behave differently in different settings. Under his theatrical performances theory, we live like actors in this grand stage named society and are used to putting our masks on in this process called socialization in which we lose our identity. Our society acts like a master machine under which similarity is encouraged and alienation is punished. The society defines what is normal, and we only act accordingly.
But we also need to be constantly reminded that humans are never submissive beings who bow down to others because of power and iron will. Instead, we are those who think and act independently. History has demonstrated that people, no matter how small and powerless they are, can and will fight for their lives and beliefs. We are bonded by family, friendship, love, job, or mutual values/beliefs. Relationship constructs power dynamics, they also build who we are as human beings, the souls behind our masks. Each of us is unique because we hold special relationships with others and ourselves.
X, I was just thinking about my former neighbor whom I had only a few interactions with. It was just a few days after a series of horrific incidents happened in the area where I went to school and lived (Hyde Park) in which a few people were badly injured. While the events were brewing, everyone was worried that they would be the next victim. My apartment was one of the newest buildings in the neighborhood, paired with a doorman, a mail room, and two elevators. However, the lack of safety methods like the front door and elevator fobs still kept a lot of residents worried. My neighbor was a Black male around the same age as me, but at that time, he was a complete stranger. There was one Thursday when I only had one class and always headed home directly after that. When I stepped into the building, he was in the same elevator as me, and he took the same turn around the corner and stopped just one unit from mine. My guard was immediately up without knowing who he was, so I slowed down my pace and was about to walk an extra mile to ‘avoid’ and ‘observe’ him. As I was planning to do so, he stopped me and said “This is a special time. I don’t blame you for being extra cautious” (it’s interesting that he apparently knew me but I had no memory of him at all, potentially because memorizing people’s faces has been always painful for me). I looked at him for a few seconds and didn’t say anything.
My neighbor was Black and a student. After that confrontation, I started to think if my behavior was relevant to his race. Would I have behaved the same if he was White or Asian? I would potentially say yes but I was not sure. I started to ask myself what I was paying attention to when I saw someone. For me and many others, it is so easy to form a stereotype, one that is biased but steady, when we first interact with someone and notice their skin color, appearance, body shape, or facial expressions. Knowing someone requires time and communication, and we often can’t wait. From the very first time, we already attached a label to a person, which shapes how we perceive others. Humans all have souls, but we are aware of few of them.
X, I am already in my mid-twenties and no longer an adolescent. Most of my values are already mature, and I do not consider myself an extroverted person who can easily get acquainted with someone. Throughout these twenty more years, I experienced a myriad of interactions, interactions with people in different roles, people I hung out with, and people who didn’t get along with me. Most of these interactions were interesting. I can recall friends who told me way too many jokes, colleagues who called me “a likable person”, to which I responded with a smile, Uber drivers who played Metallica loud and who remarked that “We are friends if you like Skid Row’s 18 and Life too”, after which we sang the song together, and individuals with the opposite political belief who screamed at me in protests. I took these good or bad interactions for granted but they are not. An Asian saying goes that no one can stay with you in your entire passage of life but remember to react with a smile, not tears, when they are about to get off your train.. It’s a life lesson to know whoever come across your path and strive to understand them deeper.
X, appreciating relationships is hard, just like knowing one’s soul.